The Outstater
Reimagining Dr. Naismith’s Game
“The only thing that is exactly as it seems is professional wrestling.” — Unknown
OK, I’M GOING TO SAY IT: The play of the National Basketball Association is unwatchable. Look, I’ve tried, especially this week as the Pacers make a historic bid for a championship.
But the definition of a sport includes standard rules. Otherwise, it is mere physical combat, a melee. That is what I see watching the NBA — huge “athletes” banging into each other as they race down the floor. Once near the hoop, there is additional gouging, elbowing and kicking. Can I assume that “traveling” and “double-dribbling” have been dropped from what they call their rule book? Do they still call “goal-tending”?
Just for fun, I read “traveling” (Rule 10, Section XIII) all 447 words. You would need a lawyer at your side with the best slow-motion video equipment (keeping your eye on the “pivot foot”) to even make a guess at an infraction. The players wisely just ignore it.
Granted, it takes commendable strength and courage to compete in such a violent unsupervised “game.” The outside shooters are obviously skilled but overall it lacks the elegant mastery of muscle and eye that defines a sport. Horseshoes and bowling have it, as does hockey and soccer to a degree. But it is at its finest in baseball and football where superior physical ability must be harnessed and carefully directed to achieve heroic results.
I read of proposals to change the NBA to account for the giants who now play the game — larger basketballs, setting the goal higher and such. Someone has suggested allowing teams to customize the three-point line on home courts to fit the preferences of star shooters. It would work something like the varying outfield walls in baseball stadiums.
None of that is going anywhere. Vested interests, you know. I say give up on maintaining any connection with James Naismith and his peach baskets (a game invented to give football players some contact-free exercise during the off season). Invent a new game.
Keep the courts (sunk costs) but quit pretending there are rules. I envision the teams facing each other as phalanxes at the center-court line, rugby style. At the whistle, they would commence beating each other bloody (throwing chairs allowed) until someone — a player, coach or even someone from the stands — captures the ball and breaks toward one of the goals (dribbling optional).
The hoop could be set at a near impossible height so that the hacking, gouging and elbowing could continue unabated until someone almost incidentally scores. The cheerleaders could finally serve a real purpose by dragging the injured to the sidelines.
Vastly entertaining, yes, but not particularly sporting. — tcl
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