The Outstater

December 3, 2020

WE ARE ACCUSED HERE of being against all laws, even those that would require us to wear swatches of cloth over our mouth and nose as a medical fashion. That is unfair. Below we list a few government actions that have our wholehearted support, some of them laws and others resolutions. The issues range from campaign ribbons to Half Windsors. And yes, a few positions sound harsh but, hey, to paraphrase the proclaimed president, governing can be messy.

• To wear “aviator” sun glasses you are required to have been an aviator (a pilot in the U.S. Navy) and need eyewear designed to cut glare when looking down at vast expanses of ocean.
• Young men with a three-day beard should be either vagrant, independently wealthy or otherwise signaling that they are indifferent to finding indoor work.
• Anyone who became a journalist after April 9, 1976, isn’t one.
• Baseball caps are to be worn as designed, with the bill forward, unless you are 10 years old and not very bright.
• The term military “veteran” is reserved for those who have seen combat; others should be thanked for their service but be designated paid volunteers contributing to the national defense in clerical and supplemental ways.
• It is illegal to accuse a Democrat of wrongdoing, especially when it involves his or her reelection.
• Rap music isn’t.
• Whether Sasquatch exists or Elvis is alive are legitimate avenues of congressional investigation.
• Camouflage attire is restricted to deer hunters and members of long-range reconnaissance patrols.
• The opinions of celebrities are not covered by the First Amendment.
• Assertions that a budget will be balanced must be accompanied by a laugh track.
• All men are required to know how to tie a Half Windsor whether they ever intend to wear a necktie.
• Those who have moved here recently from the East or West Coast should be prepared to explain themselves.
• The promise to “fight for you” in political campaigns is restricted to those candidates who have put themselves at physical risk in defense of their stated convictions.
• Sports commentary is restricted to describing events on the field of play. (A caveat: No purpose is served interviewing players or coaches on why they won or lost.)
• Anyone referring to Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush or George H.W. Bush as “an honest and dignified man who made a pretty good president” loses the right to drive on the public roads.
• The careers of military men who wear a dozen medals or more are frozen at the rank of 0-3 (colonel or captain).
• Overrating the Notre Dame football team during the season is a misdemeanor; off-season it is a felony.
• Opinion surveys of Americans younger than age 25 are commendable gestures of faith in the next generation, but taking the results seriously is a felony.
• Professional wrestling is the only thing that is exactly as it seems.

Equivocations

We would be in favor of restricting the democratic franchise to those who own property except that the concept of “property” has been so eroded that it would be nonsensical.

Likewise, we would be for congressional term limits except that Congress would be in charge of defining “term.”
 

— tcl

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